I've read this book of Hornby recently, and I'd like to share a piece here. It made me smile, because it describes almost exactly how I feel about learning from cancer.
"[...] And yet just about everyone I've ever interviewed has told me that by doing something or other - recovering from cancer, climbing a mountain, playing the part of a serial killer in a movie - they have learned something about themselves. And I always nod and smile thoughtfully, when really I want to pin them down. 'What did you learn from the cancer, actually? That you don't like being sick? That you don't want to die? That wigs make your scalp itch? Come on, be specific.' I suspect it's something they tell themselves in order to turn the experience into something that might appear valuable, rather than a complete and utter waste of time. [...] Call me literal-minded, but I suspect people might learn more about themselves if they didn't get cancer. They'd have more time, and a lot more energy."
(A Long Way Down by Nick Hornby, Penguin Books, 2006, pp.208-9) (an informal way of citation, I know, but better than none at this time of day!)
you know, when i was asking you months ago about specifically how you were experiencing this whole cancer thing, i was wanting to pin you down too, to get you to be specific about the most mundane aspects of it. because i think they are real, and i think they all mean something. and i think they are very interesting.
ReplyDeletebut i'm not so sure that things like cancer or getting two speeding tickets in 10 minutes or suddenly finding yourself to be a different person come along to teach us lessons. i don't ascribe to that way of looking at events. lately it seems to me like these things just happen, whether we want them to or not, whether we can glean any specific message or meaning from their occurrence in our lives...and we just have to deal...because human beings are meaning-making entities.
maybe what we do find out is who we really are, more and more...and either get more accepting of that, or hide it away. but that's only what i think.
a good friend of mine just passed away last thursday morning after a swift tangle with melanoma. i think she was really human in the end, scared, kind of in denial, but brave in the face of it. it had to have been an ordeal of the worst sort. i saw her in october and she seemed fine...they had just been chasing little tumors up her leg from what started as a funny "spot" on her foot. in early january she wrote to tell me that they had found lesions on her brain, and she sent me some of her favorite jewelry. i knew she was letting go, but in her letter she owned the melanoma more than she owned her brain, which said things to me about how all of this was hitting her hard inside. so human. so tender. such a bright innocent spirit was hers. six weeks later she is adventuring in the beyond, a fate none of us knows how to escape.
i hope your tiredness will pass along soon, and that you will have time for all the things that matter the most to you.
i can't say that i've learned nothing from the experience, but i guess all i've learned is facts, just like the man in the novel argues.
ReplyDeletei was aware even before this whole thing that life was precious, that i wanted to live mine in a certain way, that it was a matter of moments to lose one's life, that i was no luckier (or less lucky) than anybody in the world when it comes to being a human, getting sick, and dying eventually, because i knew we all would die one day, and the worst part wasn't dying, it was suffering... i knew all these things, though i didn't know i knew them, because i didn't have to think about them out loud, i never believed it was necessary to think about death, and i still don't think it is necessary - all we have to do is live, the rest is nature's mysteries we can't solve in this world.
what did i find out about myself? facts:
1) i can be calm and strong in the face of a crisis (but i'm not sure if this depends on the type or extent of the crisis)
2) i'm not a whiner (which means i actually don't like being a drama queen)
3) one doesn't feel the presence or absence of one's breasts in daily life (this depends on the presence and absence of clothes)
4) the shape of my head is almost perfect (at least at the moment)
5) red hair becomes me (that's what my friends say, so i didn't realize it by myself)
6) wigs make my scalp itch (this must be universal)
i know we learn from experience - this is the best way to learn - but i just wish we didn't have to learn from cancer or similar painful experiences. will these facts be of any use for me in the future? they may be, but i suspect this is something we tell ourselves in order to turn the experience into something that might appear valuable, rather than a complete and utter waste of time ;)
i'm sorry about your friend - that she had to suffer, but i hope she's happy out there in the beyond now.
i'm sorry that you have experienced suffering too, sevgin. this i would not wish for you. but wishing doesn't make it less so.
ReplyDeletei agree, the shape of your head is fairly nearly perfect!
and i am positive that you are not a whiner. (i am trying to keep my hands and feet away from the mouths of whiners...i've heard they bite.)
you are cool. and bright. and gentle beyond belief.